I had a job interview, over the phone. It happened on a day that turned out to be a little chaotic and I'm surprised that I pulled it off at all, actually. I had to mute the baby monitor and ignore Avalyn's cries while I was on the phone. She was okay- just refusing to nap.
The job sounds awesome! In my former life, I would have been jumping for joy and praying they hired me. But, in this life it is leaving me a little more confused as to where I am and what I want. It's full time... and would include travel for a minimum of one week at a time.
This would be a big deal even with a HEALTHY baby.
Which Avie isn't.
I mean, she isn't unhealthy at the moment, she just has a life-shortening disease that requires constant monitoring and tweaking. It's a full time job in itself... and one that has been eating at the "plucky design side" of me.
In one hand, I look forward to the challenge this new life brings to me. I'm all geared up to continue to be the best stay-at-home mommy ever. My daily goal is to make this house and this family something out of the 1950's. The Mr. coming home to a perfectly clean house with dinner made and on the table. Bills paid, handy-man hired and not a drop of sweat on my brow.
Yet, the other hand is heavy with the longing to be something. Like I've always desired. I want to follow my dreams (even though they may have changed a little) and make something of myself in my career.
So, I am at a crossroads of sorts. One path is bright, but with shadows of doubt, frustration and mourning for something that could have been or almost was. The other path is... well, sparkly... but unreachable.
I can't go to work full time. Not right now. I do too much for Avie throughout the day to trust that to someone else. Not this level of care- MY level of care. I make sure she is getting enough fat, fluids, concentrate on the enzyme quantities so I can one day be damn sure if she is getting too many or not enough. I check her stool and overall happiness for signs that something isn't right.... and call me crazy but I monitor her activity to be sure that she doesn't burn too many calories. Once that weight is lost, it's hard to put back on.
I'm not even sure I can go to work part time. At least not until I find the right nanny who I am confident can do all of the above in the way I would do it, for at least a couple days a week.
In the meantime, I will just continue to do my best at this stay-at-home thing... even though I think it is slowly eating away at my relationship with my husband. I think counseling is needed. He actually said last night that he doesn't think he should be washing dishes or "going halfsies" on the responsibilities just because he is home. He thinks that because I am a homemaker, I need to do all the home-related chores....
Even if that means I am in the kitchen until midnight.
He didn't really say that last part- I'm just extrapolating.
Anyway... I would love to get a nursery decor business up off the ground... but that would take time. Time that I don't have right now because I am busy being a Mom
...and Mrs. Cleaver
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