The dream

I didn't know where I was at first, I just noticed the table that I was sitting behind. Then there was the grass. Some of it was painted white, and it caught my eyes, drawing them to the side. I watched the white line, followed it until I saw the seats. Stadium seats.
I was in the middle of a football field. Smack in the middle, on the 50 yard line.
Standing in front of me, lined up on the other side of the table, was... me? Many of 'me'. There was "business me", "married me", "homeowner me". All just standing there, staring. It didn't freak me out at all, I just stared back, taking it all in. I was amazed at all the different versions there were. The line just kept going back and back, all the way to the goal posts and beyond.
The only thought that popped into my head was, "Somethings got to give." I don't know why, or what it meant, but that's all I was thinking. I wasn't trying to figure out what the table was for, nor why the line was formed. We were all just waiting, and I kept repeating, "Somethings got to give. Somethings got to give."

When I woke up, I was still confused. I kept thinking about the line, and how many of 'me' were there. It was in my head all day. I thought about what I could have been waiting for, as I tied my running shoes. Tried to figure out what the table was doing there, as I drove to work. I even analyzed the different versions of myself as I sat at my computer at the office. It wasn't until later in the day, when I finally made sense out of it all.

I had been working on something for a while when I turned to ask my boss a simple question. The inquiry hadn't even completely escaped from my lips, when she jumped down my throat. She was angry that I didn't know something that I should have known, even though nobody explained it to me. She was saying that I've worked here long enough to "know the pattern".. Apparently, I am supposed to be psychic, or maybe like a genius who discovers invisible puzzles and solves them.
Rain Man.
I was deflated, angry and at the same time I felt incompetent and stupid, like maybe I should have realized that there was some sort of a pattern. Maybe I'm dumb for not even noticing this mysterious method, with it's hidden logic... I shook my head and went back to being pissed off. "Weak and meager me".... I didn't see her in my dream.

Frustrated and in need of an outlet, I shot off a ranting email to my friend. She seemed to understand my mindset, and the conversation went as follows (excuse the language):

Me: I just don't know what to do sometimes... I feel like I am fine where I am for now, and that my boss doesn't hate me- because if she did, then she would fire me. But on the other hand, I just want to get out of here. I know that I haven't worked very hard recently- I've been a little distracted and/or distant... and I think it is just due to me feeling stuck... But shit... this is probably the easiest job that I will have from here on out. You know? Like, I complain because I'm not doing what I went to school for, what I love... but I am sure at some point in the future I will be complaining because I have too much to do/design. It's an easy job- I just have to DO IT. So sometimes, I don't know why I complain so much. But then my boss is mean and then I just get pissed because it's not fair to be treated like this in a job that I don't care for.. and then I even get hard on myself and think that maybe I'm stupid or maybe my boss doesn't like me. But even my coworkers walk on eggshells around her when she gets in those moods....Ugh! I just want people to start hiring again so I can get the hell out of here and not have to worry about these stupid mood swings.

Friend: I get that you feel stuck and I get that you aren't doing what you are meant to be doing. At the same time though you are working for a design firm and at least that is in the field you got your degree in. You could be like some of the idiots that go to school and get a bachelors in biology and waste so much money for a degree and end up being a bartender (hahaha, just an example). At least you still want what you went to school for. You are working on your portfolio, and as you know the economy sucks right now. But things will turn around soon, for the better. Before you know it...you are going to have so many people booking you to design things and like you said earlier you are going to be so busy. This is what life is like. We all have to start somewhere right? You are at least getting hands on experience which will look amazing on your resume/portfolio. I agree that complaining makes you sound like you are over 'it', as in your job, but if you didn't complain I would think something was wrong with you. The bottom line is...you make $12/hr with a bachelors degree in interior design. That's why you complain. Maybe your boss is just really stressed because of all the work she has going on...think about it though...when you are in her shoes making a lot of money like she is...you will probably look back and be like damn...now I know how she felt. Even though she might not intentionally try to piss u off, or come off as a mega bitch...its just all a part of the career she, and you, decided to take on. You chose an amazing career and your art work is one of a kind. You are going to be great when the right position comes along for you. Just be patient though...things will get better for you and they will get better sooner rather than later

It was suddenly obvious to me that my dream was symbolic of my current situation. In my dream, I was waiting for something to give, just as I am waiting for something to change in my life. Currently, I am impatient. Ya, I go to work everyday and I'm not running around looking for jobs that I know don't exist right now... but internally, I am all twisted. Like a wind-up toy with it's legs blocked; I'm ready to go, but I have something in my way. My current self sits, trapped behind a table and mutters, begs for some direction. Some turn of events that will allow me to move. It eats at me, and I want out. Just like in my dream, I can see all the phases of my future lined up in front of me, and I long for them badly... but they are still.
They know that it will come, and that's why they stand. Enduring. They, my future selves, have learned the art of patience. They know that one day, I will be able to stand up from behind that table and walk down the field to the goal posts and beyond.