I didn't know where I was at first, I just noticed the table that I was sitting behind. Then there was the grass. Some of it was painted white, and it caught my eyes, drawing them to the side. I watched the white line, followed it until I saw the seats. Stadium seats.
I was in the middle of a football field. Smack in the middle, on the 50 yard line.
Standing in front of me, lined up on the other side of the table, was... me? Many of 'me'. There was "business me", "married me", "homeowner me". All just standing there, staring. It didn't freak me out at all, I just stared back, taking it all in. I was amazed at all the different versions there were. The line just kept going back and back, all the way to the goal posts and beyond.
The only thought that popped into my head was, "Somethings got to give." I don't know why, or what it meant, but that's all I was thinking. I wasn't trying to figure out what the table was for, nor why the line was formed. We were all just waiting, and I kept repeating, "Somethings got to give. Somethings got to give."
When I woke up, I was still confused. I kept thinking about the line, and how many of 'me' were there. It was in my head all day. I thought about what I could have been waiting for, as I tied my running shoes. Tried to figure out what the table was doing there, as I drove to work. I even analyzed the different versions of myself as I sat at my computer at the office. It wasn't until later in the day, when I finally made sense out of it all.
I had been working on something for a while when I turned to ask my boss a simple question. The inquiry hadn't even completely escaped from my lips, when she jumped down my throat. She was angry that I didn't know something that I should have known, even though nobody explained it to me. She was saying that I've worked here long enough to "know the pattern".. Apparently, I am supposed to be psychic, or maybe like a genius who discovers invisible puzzles and solves them.
Rain Man.
I was deflated, angry and at the same time I felt incompetent and stupid, like maybe I should have realized that there was some sort of a pattern. Maybe I'm dumb for not even noticing this mysterious method, with it's hidden logic... I shook my head and went back to being pissed off. "Weak and meager me".... I didn't see her in my dream.
Frustrated and in need of an outlet, I shot off a ranting email to my friend. She seemed to understand my mindset, and the conversation went as follows (excuse the language):
Me: I just don't know what to do sometimes... I feel like I am fine where I am for now, and that my boss doesn't hate me- because if she did, then she would fire me. But on the other hand, I just want to get out of here. I know that I haven't worked very hard recently- I've been a little distracted and/or distant... and I think it is just due to me feeling stuck... But shit... this is probably the easiest job that I will have from here on out. You know? Like, I complain because I'm not doing what I went to school for, what I love... but I am sure at some point in the future I will be complaining because I have too much to do/design. It's an easy job- I just have to DO IT. So sometimes, I don't know why I complain so much. But then my boss is mean and then I just get pissed because it's not fair to be treated like this in a job that I don't care for.. and then I even get hard on myself and think that maybe I'm stupid or maybe my boss doesn't like me. But even my coworkers walk on eggshells around her when she gets in those moods....Ugh! I just want people to start hiring again so I can get the hell out of here and not have to worry about these stupid mood swings.
Friend: I get that you feel stuck and I get that you aren't doing what you are meant to be doing. At the same time though you are working for a design firm and at least that is in the field you got your degree in. You could be like some of the idiots that go to school and get a bachelors in biology and waste so much money for a degree and end up being a bartender (hahaha, just an example). At least you still want what you went to school for. You are working on your portfolio, and as you know the economy sucks right now. But things will turn around soon, for the better. Before you know it...you are going to have so many people booking you to design things and like you said earlier you are going to be so busy. This is what life is like. We all have to start somewhere right? You are at least getting hands on experience which will look amazing on your resume/portfolio. I agree that complaining makes you sound like you are over 'it', as in your job, but if you didn't complain I would think something was wrong with you. The bottom line is...you make $12/hr with a bachelors degree in interior design. That's why you complain. Maybe your boss is just really stressed because of all the work she has going on...think about it though...when you are in her shoes making a lot of money like she is...you will probably look back and be like damn...now I know how she felt. Even though she might not intentionally try to piss u off, or come off as a mega bitch...its just all a part of the career she, and you, decided to take on. You chose an amazing career and your art work is one of a kind. You are going to be great when the right position comes along for you. Just be patient though...things will get better for you and they will get better sooner rather than later
It was suddenly obvious to me that my dream was symbolic of my current situation. In my dream, I was waiting for something to give, just as I am waiting for something to change in my life. Currently, I am impatient. Ya, I go to work everyday and I'm not running around looking for jobs that I know don't exist right now... but internally, I am all twisted. Like a wind-up toy with it's legs blocked; I'm ready to go, but I have something in my way. My current self sits, trapped behind a table and mutters, begs for some direction. Some turn of events that will allow me to move. It eats at me, and I want out. Just like in my dream, I can see all the phases of my future lined up in front of me, and I long for them badly... but they are still.
They know that it will come, and that's why they stand. Enduring. They, my future selves, have learned the art of patience. They know that one day, I will be able to stand up from behind that table and walk down the field to the goal posts and beyond.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Responisiblity is a ____!
My boss is out of town for 10 days. She tried, before she left, to get as much done as she could so that we (my coworkers and I) wouldn’t run into any huge issues while she was gone. Then she gave each of us some things to take care of on our own. I was beyond excited to have the responsibilities, and motivated at the chance to show my boss all that I could handle on my own.
Two of the projects I was "given" include clients who are ordering wall covering. The same paper hanger is bidding both jobs. Both clients have received and signed their contracts, which I figured and typed up, and all purchase orders have been sent in. In short everything is in progress... the jobs have begun.
Now, I distinctly remember getting the bids from the paper hanger and, sequentially, the quotes from the (3) wallpaper companies involved. One of which sells their product by the YARD, and others by the ROLL and the double-roll BOLT.
Confused? If you are, that’s awesome, because so was I when woke up this morning in a pure, sweaty, shaky panic. I sped to work thinking that I had ordered 16 YARDS of a wall covering that was quoted at 16 ROLLS by the paper hanger. Not only would this completely change the contract for that particular client, which might cost us the job, but it would also be a pain to explain to the company I ordered from. And some of these companies, just flat out DO NOT take returns.
I flew through the office and went straight for my table. Flipping through the file, I found that indeed the paper hanger had quoted 16 rolls. Dammit! So I ripped at the paperwork until I found the purchase order. Wait… I ordered 16 rolls… so what was quoted at yards?
Uh, the other client.
So I tore through that file until I found the purchase order. There was no mistake… I had ordered everything correctly. My body went completely limp and I flopped back against the chair. I don’t even remember sitting down at this point. My whole body was shaking and my heart was pounding. I sat there for a second and just took breaths until I remembered the other thing I was worried about...
I checked my email – I had sent my boss an email regarding an important question about lighting for one of the projects I am overseeing.
I was concerned about the sconces that we ordered not actually working in the space because of the existing recessed lighting being too close to the wall, and the sconces too close to the ceiling. My coworker seemed to think it was unimportant yesterday, but I still put a hold on the sconce order because as a designer, I knew it would look strange. Knowing the clients wanted the sconces, I felt like they would be upset if they couldn't get them.
For some reason, I thought that this would come down on my head, and that I would somehow be held responsible for this issue (which might seem small to those reading -but if you paint a picture in someone's head, and they just fall in love with the idea, then they get a little pissed if you suddenly tell them they can't have it).
My paranoia comes from working with my "lightswitch" of a boss. One minute she is fine and the next... CLICK... everything is a disaster.
But when I read the email, I was pleasantly suprised.... It said, “Thanks for checking the lighting. I think you could talk to the client and we could possibly hold off on the sconces or move the recessed. We will have to decide before the wallpaper goes in.”
I had gotten a 'thank you'?
BOO-YA, BABY! Suddenly I was a problem solver, and had prevented a huge issue. Sort of like a pro-active Batman... which was the complete opposite feeling than what I had twenty minutes before. The flip-flop fried my nerves, first they were on fire with apprehension and my brain was screaming, "No, no. Please, no." Then they went completely calm and proud, like I was invincible. Crazy.
And this was all before 9:00 am!
Two of the projects I was "given" include clients who are ordering wall covering. The same paper hanger is bidding both jobs. Both clients have received and signed their contracts, which I figured and typed up, and all purchase orders have been sent in. In short everything is in progress... the jobs have begun.
Now, I distinctly remember getting the bids from the paper hanger and, sequentially, the quotes from the (3) wallpaper companies involved. One of which sells their product by the YARD, and others by the ROLL and the double-roll BOLT.
Confused? If you are, that’s awesome, because so was I when woke up this morning in a pure, sweaty, shaky panic. I sped to work thinking that I had ordered 16 YARDS of a wall covering that was quoted at 16 ROLLS by the paper hanger. Not only would this completely change the contract for that particular client, which might cost us the job, but it would also be a pain to explain to the company I ordered from. And some of these companies, just flat out DO NOT take returns.
I flew through the office and went straight for my table. Flipping through the file, I found that indeed the paper hanger had quoted 16 rolls. Dammit! So I ripped at the paperwork until I found the purchase order. Wait… I ordered 16 rolls… so what was quoted at yards?
Uh, the other client.
So I tore through that file until I found the purchase order. There was no mistake… I had ordered everything correctly. My body went completely limp and I flopped back against the chair. I don’t even remember sitting down at this point. My whole body was shaking and my heart was pounding. I sat there for a second and just took breaths until I remembered the other thing I was worried about...
I checked my email – I had sent my boss an email regarding an important question about lighting for one of the projects I am overseeing.
I was concerned about the sconces that we ordered not actually working in the space because of the existing recessed lighting being too close to the wall, and the sconces too close to the ceiling. My coworker seemed to think it was unimportant yesterday, but I still put a hold on the sconce order because as a designer, I knew it would look strange. Knowing the clients wanted the sconces, I felt like they would be upset if they couldn't get them.
For some reason, I thought that this would come down on my head, and that I would somehow be held responsible for this issue (which might seem small to those reading -but if you paint a picture in someone's head, and they just fall in love with the idea, then they get a little pissed if you suddenly tell them they can't have it).
My paranoia comes from working with my "lightswitch" of a boss. One minute she is fine and the next... CLICK... everything is a disaster.
But when I read the email, I was pleasantly suprised.... It said, “Thanks for checking the lighting. I think you could talk to the client and we could possibly hold off on the sconces or move the recessed. We will have to decide before the wallpaper goes in.”
I had gotten a 'thank you'?
BOO-YA, BABY! Suddenly I was a problem solver, and had prevented a huge issue. Sort of like a pro-active Batman... which was the complete opposite feeling than what I had twenty minutes before. The flip-flop fried my nerves, first they were on fire with apprehension and my brain was screaming, "No, no. Please, no." Then they went completely calm and proud, like I was invincible. Crazy.
And this was all before 9:00 am!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Portfolio Baby!
This is what I have so far for my portfolio. Page 1 was in my last blog, pages 2-4 are simmilar to page 1 where my rendered image is put with the magazine clipping that I drew from... except for the flowers, I don't have those magazine images -and I am not sure if I am going to include this page in the portfolio (the quality isn't great because I am downloading it to the site, but you get the idea).
Enjoy.
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
The following pages are a progression of an assignment. We had to create a room using our perspective drawing skills as well as rendering and collage.
Page 5
Page 6
Page 7
One foot in front of the other.
I gave up on 'Photoshop for Dummies' days ago.... reading about computer programs is not the most stimulating experience. I only got through one (long) chapter before I couldn't take it anymore; I was turning the computer ON. Gasp! Besides, I have watched my Dad use the program, so I knew that I wouldn't be completely lost.
I was.
It took a little researching in the Dummies book before I figured out how to open a blank file and create layers to which I could paste my pictures. Then there was a bit of, "Daaaad!" before I felt like I could use the program without throwing the computer into a snarled, unworkable state where important pictures are either ruined or ceased to exist, like socks in a dryer.
But persistence prevailed and I am very proud to say that I have 7 portfolio pages done! They aren't incredible masterpieces or anything, just groupings of my renderings meant to make my portfolio easier to look through.
Rendering is a fancy word for 'coloring', and it's one of my favorite things to do. We had to render all of our projects in school, and to get us used to that, we had a rendering class. These first 7 pages of my portfolio are assignments from that class. The page below was a part of an assigment where we just had to copy an image from a magazine. My rendered image is the sofa and tables in the foreground.
Getting my hands wet have made me realize that I still have a lot more work to do. It's a little overwhelming but I refuse to get dicouraged. I know that each day I get something done is one more step that I have taken in the right direction.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)