Hey, 2010... Welcome!

Did I accomplish everything I wanted to this year? Well, no. Not really. I'm not much further ahead than I was when 2009 came drunk and staggering in. Or was that me? Anyway, I've got a lot of catching up to do with 2010, so I've made some resolutions. And they've been laminated. Now before I go over what I will do, let me first say this; I know that I promised to get a lot of work done on my portfolio over this holiday break, but I haven't. There were other year-end things that needed to be taken care of first. Now with that being said, right after I post this I am going to sit in front of this floor plan (pictured here, let's call this the before shot) with markers and pencils in hand, ready to apply some color.

The Resolutions:

-I WILL have my portfolio finished well before my next birthday (which is at the end of July). So basically, I need to get with it...

-Read: Pride and Prejudice, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Which I've already started) and Sense and Sensibility. (Don't question the book list)

-Clean weekly

-Make more time for friends

-No more careless mistakes at work

The first resolution is obviously the most important, and my whole reason for creating this blog. I thought it would help me to stay on top of things if I posting about my progress on the portfolio and in working towards getting a new job (and everything else in between apparently). So my New Year Blog Resolution is to post more often, and to show my progress. Obviously I will continue to post completed pages of the portfolio but there are a lot of things I need to do before I get to that stage again. Meaning that there will be more pictures like the one posted here (exciting huh?) just to show my steps along the way.

Like promised: Here I go on the rendering... let's wrangle in this new year.

Bullets and Eye-daggers

So I have this theory about my car. It helps me cope with the fact that my car has been a punching bag for invisible strangers lately. I think it's a pretty good theory actually.

It all started when I got rear-ended a few months ago: When the repairs were being made, they found a bullet in my trunk! Ignore the fact that I bought the car from a police officer (also ignore the fact that I thought they meant a "Magic Bullet" and was excited that someone left a sweet blender in my trunk) I had been in and out of that trunk so many times and had never seen this bullet before. It's like it came out of nowhere.
Then, just a couple weeks ago, I had some more car issues, and had to get a new fuel pump. Guess what? They found two more bullets... whaaa?? Ya..

Then, just last week, I notice a huge scratch on my brand new bumper, which pissed me off... aaand only days later I find a gargantuan dent in the front of my poor car... what the hell, man! No notes were ever left, I never saw or heard anything. I mean who has luck like that?! My car is being thrashed in a matter of months. So I started having this little pity party for myself, wondering why people were beating up on my Pony, when suddenly it hit me: My car is an evil-alien-butt-kicking-machine...

It's a Transformer!

That's really the only explanation. I mean the car that rear-ended me was probably an evil car. Like a suicide rear-end-er, or something. Only my car is so strong that it survived, and the other car was totalled. Sucker. I bet my car's name is Stang... and he is a bad-ass too. All strong and like... angry and stuff. And it comes to life at night to protect the Earth, getting all banged up and scratched up in the process, shooting bullets and running around wearing out its fuel pump.....

Or at least that's what I like to think. Especially when the alternative is, "My car is old and could die at any minute, and there is no way I could afford to buy a new one."... I can hardly afford Christmas gifts. Plus, my physical therapy bills from the whiplash are starting to come in... (damn suicide rear-end-er). Oh, and tomorrow I am getting my wisdom tooth pulled. Not that it's a huge expense- but it is a dollar sign that would look a whole hell of a lot better in my bank account. Woe to me.

But enough whining, here is the good news: I made some more progress on my portfolio this week. It's just some spec sheets (technical junk) from an old project, but it needed to be done. The next step is to render this big floor plan from the same project (it's the one I re-did). It will take a while because it's a slow process, but with the holidays coming up, I should have plenty of time. Once that's done I can get back into photoshop and arrange some more pages.

I'm not saving the world or anything (that's my car's job) I'm just taking it step by step.... and in the mean-time, I am learning that throwing eye-daggers at my boss' back makes me feel better when I've had a long day.

No way to work

Last month, I blogged about a small issue that my boss had with me. She was angry that I didn't know the "correct mark-up" without asking (I still don't think that there was any way I could have known). My boyfriend helped me write an email to her, which suggested that I sit down with her and go through the mark-ups so that I would finally understand the pattern. Her responding email completely missed the point of mine and ignored the fact that I was trying to solve a problem. I forwarded her email to my boyfriend because I was upset that nothing came of my effort to connect with her.

He called her a schizo.

He and I decided that there really was nothing I could do to understand her more. He said that if I try to wrap my head around everything she says or does, then I would make myself crazy. He also told me that she has never been nice to him (he had met her a few times before I even knew him) and that she just wasn't a very pleasant person.
So....
I vowed to myself that I would not let my boss scare the crap out of me anymore. I would make sure that the lines of communication were open at all times, so that the chances of something going wrong were minimized. By making sure that she and I were on the same page all the time, I would also be building our working relationship and making myself speak to her daily. Because normally, I would avoid any kind of unnecessary conversation for the fear that I might catch her at a bad moment. Now, I was informing her of every little piece of news, incoming fax or email from a client.
And things have been going pretty well.
I mean, my boss still tries to make me feel stupid sometimes and she will always be a light-switch of a person, but when she flips- I just brush it off. I do care when there is a problem and I don't always think my boss is out of line, I just don't let it get to me as much anymore. I think it has opened my eyes too. I used to think that I was the only one getting yelled at. I see now that my coworkers are just as scared of her as I used to be.
For example:
My boss is in New York visiting her spoiled brat of an off-spring and it never fails that issues arise when she is out of the office. We had a few small ones come up, but none of them were the fault of my coworkers or myself. But today, my coworkers were jumpy and nervous every time the phone rang. They both thought that my boss was going call, screaming about all the things that had gone wrong and finding things to blame on us. They kept saying that they thought she was going to come home early from vacation, and how nervous they were going to be when she does show up. One of them even said, "I'm so freaked out! This is no way to work."

Um, no shit.

All the worry was upsetting my stomach, which has been a little queasy. So, I just decided that I was going to spend all day tomorrow getting my ducks in a row. Hopefully if my boss does come back as a banshee, I will know that I'm not the one who should be afraid of certain death.

The dream

I didn't know where I was at first, I just noticed the table that I was sitting behind. Then there was the grass. Some of it was painted white, and it caught my eyes, drawing them to the side. I watched the white line, followed it until I saw the seats. Stadium seats.
I was in the middle of a football field. Smack in the middle, on the 50 yard line.
Standing in front of me, lined up on the other side of the table, was... me? Many of 'me'. There was "business me", "married me", "homeowner me". All just standing there, staring. It didn't freak me out at all, I just stared back, taking it all in. I was amazed at all the different versions there were. The line just kept going back and back, all the way to the goal posts and beyond.
The only thought that popped into my head was, "Somethings got to give." I don't know why, or what it meant, but that's all I was thinking. I wasn't trying to figure out what the table was for, nor why the line was formed. We were all just waiting, and I kept repeating, "Somethings got to give. Somethings got to give."

When I woke up, I was still confused. I kept thinking about the line, and how many of 'me' were there. It was in my head all day. I thought about what I could have been waiting for, as I tied my running shoes. Tried to figure out what the table was doing there, as I drove to work. I even analyzed the different versions of myself as I sat at my computer at the office. It wasn't until later in the day, when I finally made sense out of it all.

I had been working on something for a while when I turned to ask my boss a simple question. The inquiry hadn't even completely escaped from my lips, when she jumped down my throat. She was angry that I didn't know something that I should have known, even though nobody explained it to me. She was saying that I've worked here long enough to "know the pattern".. Apparently, I am supposed to be psychic, or maybe like a genius who discovers invisible puzzles and solves them.
Rain Man.
I was deflated, angry and at the same time I felt incompetent and stupid, like maybe I should have realized that there was some sort of a pattern. Maybe I'm dumb for not even noticing this mysterious method, with it's hidden logic... I shook my head and went back to being pissed off. "Weak and meager me".... I didn't see her in my dream.

Frustrated and in need of an outlet, I shot off a ranting email to my friend. She seemed to understand my mindset, and the conversation went as follows (excuse the language):

Me: I just don't know what to do sometimes... I feel like I am fine where I am for now, and that my boss doesn't hate me- because if she did, then she would fire me. But on the other hand, I just want to get out of here. I know that I haven't worked very hard recently- I've been a little distracted and/or distant... and I think it is just due to me feeling stuck... But shit... this is probably the easiest job that I will have from here on out. You know? Like, I complain because I'm not doing what I went to school for, what I love... but I am sure at some point in the future I will be complaining because I have too much to do/design. It's an easy job- I just have to DO IT. So sometimes, I don't know why I complain so much. But then my boss is mean and then I just get pissed because it's not fair to be treated like this in a job that I don't care for.. and then I even get hard on myself and think that maybe I'm stupid or maybe my boss doesn't like me. But even my coworkers walk on eggshells around her when she gets in those moods....Ugh! I just want people to start hiring again so I can get the hell out of here and not have to worry about these stupid mood swings.

Friend: I get that you feel stuck and I get that you aren't doing what you are meant to be doing. At the same time though you are working for a design firm and at least that is in the field you got your degree in. You could be like some of the idiots that go to school and get a bachelors in biology and waste so much money for a degree and end up being a bartender (hahaha, just an example). At least you still want what you went to school for. You are working on your portfolio, and as you know the economy sucks right now. But things will turn around soon, for the better. Before you know it...you are going to have so many people booking you to design things and like you said earlier you are going to be so busy. This is what life is like. We all have to start somewhere right? You are at least getting hands on experience which will look amazing on your resume/portfolio. I agree that complaining makes you sound like you are over 'it', as in your job, but if you didn't complain I would think something was wrong with you. The bottom line is...you make $12/hr with a bachelors degree in interior design. That's why you complain. Maybe your boss is just really stressed because of all the work she has going on...think about it though...when you are in her shoes making a lot of money like she is...you will probably look back and be like damn...now I know how she felt. Even though she might not intentionally try to piss u off, or come off as a mega bitch...its just all a part of the career she, and you, decided to take on. You chose an amazing career and your art work is one of a kind. You are going to be great when the right position comes along for you. Just be patient though...things will get better for you and they will get better sooner rather than later

It was suddenly obvious to me that my dream was symbolic of my current situation. In my dream, I was waiting for something to give, just as I am waiting for something to change in my life. Currently, I am impatient. Ya, I go to work everyday and I'm not running around looking for jobs that I know don't exist right now... but internally, I am all twisted. Like a wind-up toy with it's legs blocked; I'm ready to go, but I have something in my way. My current self sits, trapped behind a table and mutters, begs for some direction. Some turn of events that will allow me to move. It eats at me, and I want out. Just like in my dream, I can see all the phases of my future lined up in front of me, and I long for them badly... but they are still.
They know that it will come, and that's why they stand. Enduring. They, my future selves, have learned the art of patience. They know that one day, I will be able to stand up from behind that table and walk down the field to the goal posts and beyond.

Responisiblity is a ____!

My boss is out of town for 10 days. She tried, before she left, to get as much done as she could so that we (my coworkers and I) wouldn’t run into any huge issues while she was gone. Then she gave each of us some things to take care of on our own. I was beyond excited to have the responsibilities, and motivated at the chance to show my boss all that I could handle on my own.

Two of the projects I was "given" include clients who are ordering wall covering. The same paper hanger is bidding both jobs. Both clients have received and signed their contracts, which I figured and typed up, and all purchase orders have been sent in. In short everything is in progress... the jobs have begun.

Now, I distinctly remember getting the bids from the paper hanger and, sequentially, the quotes from the (3) wallpaper companies involved. One of which sells their product by the YARD, and others by the ROLL and the double-roll BOLT.
Confused? If you are, that’s awesome, because so was I when woke up this morning in a pure, sweaty, shaky panic. I sped to work thinking that I had ordered 16 YARDS of a wall covering that was quoted at 16 ROLLS by the paper hanger. Not only would this completely change the contract for that particular client, which might cost us the job, but it would also be a pain to explain to the company I ordered from. And some of these companies, just flat out DO NOT take returns.
I flew through the office and went straight for my table. Flipping through the file, I found that indeed the paper hanger had quoted 16 rolls. Dammit! So I ripped at the paperwork until I found the purchase order. Wait… I ordered 16 rolls… so what was quoted at yards?

Uh, the other client.

So I tore through that file until I found the purchase order. There was no mistake… I had ordered everything correctly. My body went completely limp and I flopped back against the chair. I don’t even remember sitting down at this point. My whole body was shaking and my heart was pounding. I sat there for a second and just took breaths until I remembered the other thing I was worried about...

I checked my email – I had sent my boss an email regarding an important question about lighting for one of the projects I am overseeing.
I was concerned about the sconces that we ordered not actually working in the space because of the existing recessed lighting being too close to the wall, and the sconces too close to the ceiling. My coworker seemed to think it was unimportant yesterday, but I still put a hold on the sconce order because as a designer, I knew it would look strange. Knowing the clients wanted the sconces, I felt like they would be upset if they couldn't get them.

For some reason, I thought that this would come down on my head, and that I would somehow be held responsible for this issue (which might seem small to those reading -but if you paint a picture in someone's head, and they just fall in love with the idea, then they get a little pissed if you suddenly tell them they can't have it).
My paranoia comes from working with my "lightswitch" of a boss. One minute she is fine and the next... CLICK... everything is a disaster.

But when I read the email, I was pleasantly suprised.... It said, “Thanks for checking the lighting. I think you could talk to the client and we could possibly hold off on the sconces or move the recessed. We will have to decide before the wallpaper goes in.”
I had gotten a 'thank you'?

BOO-YA, BABY! Suddenly I was a problem solver, and had prevented a huge issue. Sort of like a pro-active Batman... which was the complete opposite feeling than what I had twenty minutes before. The flip-flop fried my nerves, first they were on fire with apprehension and my brain was screaming, "No, no. Please, no." Then they went completely calm and proud, like I was invincible. Crazy.

And this was all before 9:00 am!

Portfolio Baby!

This is what I have so far for my portfolio. Page 1 was in my last blog, pages 2-4 are simmilar to page 1 where my rendered image is put with the magazine clipping that I drew from... except for the flowers, I don't have those magazine images -and I am not sure if I am going to include this page in the portfolio (the quality isn't great because I am downloading it to the site, but you get the idea).

Enjoy.

Page 2

Page 3

Page 4

The following pages are a progression of an assignment. We had to create a room using our perspective drawing skills as well as rendering and collage.

Page 5

Page 6

Page 7

One foot in front of the other.

I gave up on 'Photoshop for Dummies' days ago.... reading about computer programs is not the most stimulating experience. I only got through one (long) chapter before I couldn't take it anymore; I was turning the computer ON. Gasp! Besides, I have watched my Dad use the program, so I knew that I wouldn't be completely lost.

I was.

It took a little researching in the Dummies book before I figured out how to open a blank file and create layers to which I could paste my pictures. Then there was a bit of, "Daaaad!" before I felt like I could use the program without throwing the computer into a snarled, unworkable state where important pictures are either ruined or ceased to exist, like socks in a dryer.

But persistence prevailed and I am very proud to say that I have 7 portfolio pages done! They aren't incredible masterpieces or anything, just groupings of my renderings meant to make my portfolio easier to look through.

Rendering is a fancy word for 'coloring', and it's one of my favorite things to do. We had to render all of our projects in school, and to get us used to that, we had a rendering class. These first 7 pages of my portfolio are assignments from that class. The page below was a part of an assigment where we just had to copy an image from a magazine. My rendered image is the sofa and tables in the foreground.

Getting my hands wet have made me realize that I still have a lot more work to do. It's a little overwhelming but I refuse to get dicouraged. I know that each day I get something done is one more step that I have taken in the right direction.

Just an update.

I haven't performed any major feats here. I did, however, get everything I need on the computer for my portfolio. Really. My Dad and I set up the tripod and easel and got a shot of every elevation on every project board. Now I have the images in the computer that I need to work with to get my awesome portfolio finished.

Now all I have to do is... everything else. Don't judge me. I'm working on it...

I have officially opened the 'Photoshop for Dummies' book. It's scary. And large... The first sentence says something about, "The depth and breadth of the program is unheralded"... great. At least I will mostly just be setting portfolio page layouts and not mastering the art of illusion like my Dad does.
I would be lying if I said that I was looking forward to this part. In reality, I should be... but who lives in reality anymore? I would much rather curl up on the sofa with an episode of True Blood than teach myself how to use Photoshop.

This is when I get this odd appreciation and respectful awe of my boss... I know she doesn't go home and plop herself in front of the television at night. She will take her work home with her if she needs to. I've seen her do it. She just recently took her work on vacation with her. She works with a restaurant/resort in Tahoe, where her family stays a lot... and I kid you not: she came back with a list of crap they need and catalog pages marked.
It can't be easy to own and run your own business. There is a reason she has repeat clients, and a reason she is serious about work... it's who she is. It's her baby. I get that.

So if I want that, then I have to work for it.... so excuse the short blog, but I have some reading to do.

Something old, Something...

This weekend, I was a wedding date. Going to the wedding was a big deal for me because I knew my boyfriend was going to be introducing me to a large number of close friends and their families. And he was expecting them to like me.


Now, my boyfriend knows these guys because they all went to school together at USC. They all have MBA's and great, high-paying jobs. No sweat, right? I knew I was mature enough to handle myself and carry on conversations with them, and I did. However, I noticed that in each conversation with a new individual the same subject was inevitably brought up.

My job.


They would ask me, "What do you do?" and I would respond, "I work for an interior designer. That's what my degree is in." They would then answer back with one of the following comments; "Cool", Very cool", or my favorite: "Oh, fun!"

Maybe I should have just smiled and nodded in agreement. Kept my mouth shut. But I just couldn't do it. It felt wrong for me to let them walk away with a picture in mind of me laughing and rolling in fabric samples, proclaiming how much I enjoy my Career and tossing paint swatches in the air.


So I told them my job sucked, and that it isn't what I pictured myself to be doing this far out of college. I said how my main focus right now was figuring out how to bust out of there. How to find that thing that I've been dreaming of. Then I would say, "Don't get me wrong, Interior design is great I love it, but I'm not designing." They were all very understanding and not the least bit judgemental, but it still kind of got under my skin. Not the fact that they asked... but the fact that I couldn't be proud of my current job, like they all are.

Talking about it though, made me want to get the ball rolling that much more. I have to be honest, I haven't done much to work toward my goals in the past couple weeks. So I finished this weekend with a bit more drive and reason than I had when I started. I'm brainstorming all my options, and consulting with Dad. We had a good long talk tonight, I think.

Here is a bullet point list of what I've come up with so far:

1. I can take some business classes and learn how to run my own business. This may or may not be helpful, we will just have to see if I do end up with my own business someday.


2. I have an appointment set with my Dad for Saturday morning at 8, to finally get pictures of my projects taken so I can finish my portfolio. I will then sit in front of the computer for many, many hours with a 'Photoshop for Dummies' book where I will learn to use the program -and create a magnificent portfolio at the same time... I multi-task.


3. I will "pick up the paintbrush" as my boyfriend says. Some of you may not know this, but I paint. Maybe not remarkably well, but I do it. If I can get back into the swing of that, then I might have a nice little way of making some money on the side. Included in this are all the little art projects that I cook up on the side. Which also means that I will refinish those damn chairs (Cause, yeah, I "do" that too).
   

Feet addicted to the ceiling

There are times that, despite myself, I actually have a good day at work. I sort of feel like I am upside-down and that any frowns present yesterday, are now smiles. Today was one of those rare days. For years my boss has worked with a well-known restaurant in Del Mar. Being friends with the owner, she is consistently called back for one thing or another. A while ago, they approached her with the challenge of updating their street sign. Of course she accepted and she gave me the job of drawing it up in autoCAD.

Now this is where it gets a little tricky.... When drawing things for my boss in CAD, there is a bit of design freedom. She will say that she wants an arch or an angle, and I can then draw up the steepness of the angle or the roundness of the arch. She can veto these and she often does but, if she doesn't, then I can point to a small piece of something and say, "I did that."

And so it went. My boss and I worked on the sign for weeks. Back and forth, fixing the colors and adjusting the lettering. I was just excited to be working on something that might actually be worth my efforts. When the sign was finally finished, I looked at it like a proud parent would.

This was nearly a year ago.

Then just a couple weeks back, the restaurant informed us that they were sending my drawing to the city for approval. Now, I didn't design the sign (technically) but I did work on it, and I feel like my input is there. Lord knows my sweat is. So when I got the news today that the project was actually going to go forward, I was more satisfied with my job than I have been for months.

It helped that both my boss and myself were in good moods. Not that our moods depend on each other, but when she thunders through the office all red in the face, it has a tendency to ruin my state of mind. Today, was nice. Not perfect, but I had work to do.

I didn't think I could be asking for anything more, when my boss (mid conversation with my coworker) slid in a side-note directed at me,

"By the way, the city approved your sign."

I know she would never give me the credit for that sign.But to hear her state it that way, if even only once, made me feel accomplished.

Soon my baby will be standing proudly on the street for all to see.

Easy does it

I hate my job. Doesn't everyone? My job gets me nothing but paid. Oh, and 'experience'... but only in the sense that I can say, "Yes I have experience working in the interior design industry." Only, I'm not designing, I'm not doing anything. At least not the last couple months...

I started working for this place while still in college, it was a paid internship and I loved every minute of learning all the 'new to me' aspects of running this kind of business. When I graduated, I got the full time position. Which means a table in the middle of the office, no phone, no printer and no computer. I bring my ever-failing laptop in. My table is the collect all surface. Papers, fabrics, catalogs, tiles -you name it, they pile it on. It's claustrophobic and it's messy, and it's where I work. But let's not forget that I also have a wicker chair. Oh, it has a cushion, of course, on the bottom but no back support. In fact if I were to sit in that chair like it was meant to be sat in, I would look like I belonged in a silk robe, with a glass of sherry and a pipe. Just lounging around, an old man.

However, I took it eagerly, and for a time it was the best feeling in the world. To be working like a grown-up should be working. But time passed... and as it swept by, it slapped the presence in the face and left it a hideous creature. I am thankful to have a job and I know my boss has a good heart for keeping us employed through these tough times. There are two other girls like me in the office. Like me, but happier. You see, they sit at desks.

And do nothing.

I know that I am easily removed from this place, I was the last one there and if push comes to shove -the first to leave. So I work my ass off... when I actually have some work to do. With no opportunity for moving up, I work hard at the same small things everyday and it wears on me. I make mistakes. I'm human... but apparently my boss is super-human, and mistakes should never be made. Especially not from the girl at the messy table, who is only here out of her generous charity. Charity which she gives to me because my boyfriend is her very close friend's old roommate... I'll give you a minute to process that...

It isn't abnormal for my boyfriend and I to run into my boss when hanging out with his friends... a little side note: My boyfriend is amazing, he is 10 yrs older than me, has a great job and is settled in life... this pushes me to be at that point too. Though he understands my position better than I do sometimes. When I freak out about work or complain about how my boss insulted me (it happens a lot... let's just say it would take a very intense surgery to remove the silver spoon from her mouth) he calms me down. Talks some sense into me.

But I still walk into work everyday thinking that my time there is of no use, and is better spent somewhere else. Which brings us to today -and this blog.

I played hooky today. I didn't lie about being sick though. I was in a car accident last month and have whiplash. Still. It's been hurting a lot and this morning I woke up with a sickening, burning feeling on one side. So I told my boss that I was going to rest. But as the morning strolled along, I started to feel guilty. I could have gone into work today if I took some pain killers and relaxed for a couple hours, but I knew there would be nothing for me to do.

I consulted my Dad. The great Oz of advice giving.

Oz said, "Get something accomplished." Then I thought of my boyfriend and how disappointed he will be when I tell him that I didn't work today. So I went downtown and applied for a business license and a seller's permit, selling interior design and art. I also decided to start this blog, as an outlet and motivation. I will document my journey, wherever it takes me. Starting out nice and easy.