No work outside the home for me... at least not yet. Well, maybe not ever.
Here's the deal: I'm going to live the life I've imagined... yes, yes, just recently imagined. No more 9-5, typical job for me. I am going to move forward with my nursery decor business. Right now, I've made a mobile, a basket and working on a frame that would be perfect for a Boho style nursery. When the frame is finished, I will post it to Etsy and sell the shit out of it.
When I post to Etsy, I'm going to make my name "Avie Rose", then work on setting up a Bloggy webpage thingy under that name.
I've seen these types of websites, like Bless'er House and Magnolia Market... and I want to run one.
I will have a shop where I sell Nursery decor, a blog space where I can talk about the items I make and being a Mom, etc... and then I think I also want to have a CF section. This is where I might talk about our fundraising, link to new research and possibly give little hints/tips for new CF mommies.
For example: great ways to introduce fats to food. Things like Chia seed powder, hard-boiled egg yolk (stinky, but doesn't taste like much) and pure cacao butter....
Then I can work from home! When we get a new house, I can have a cute little office/craft room! And, while I will still need nanny/in-home care help... I will be around in case anything comes up and I'm not really leaving my baby (okaaaaay toddler, ugh!)
So, yeah. I think I'm going to do that. It sounds totally feasible. I can so pull it off. It's just going to take a little pluck.
I'm going to get working on that frame now!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
I don't even know
I had a job interview, over the phone. It happened on a day that turned out to be a little chaotic and I'm surprised that I pulled it off at all, actually. I had to mute the baby monitor and ignore Avalyn's cries while I was on the phone. She was okay- just refusing to nap.
The job sounds awesome! In my former life, I would have been jumping for joy and praying they hired me. But, in this life it is leaving me a little more confused as to where I am and what I want. It's full time... and would include travel for a minimum of one week at a time.
This would be a big deal even with a HEALTHY baby.
Which Avie isn't.
I mean, she isn't unhealthy at the moment, she just has a life-shortening disease that requires constant monitoring and tweaking. It's a full time job in itself... and one that has been eating at the "plucky design side" of me.
In one hand, I look forward to the challenge this new life brings to me. I'm all geared up to continue to be the best stay-at-home mommy ever. My daily goal is to make this house and this family something out of the 1950's. The Mr. coming home to a perfectly clean house with dinner made and on the table. Bills paid, handy-man hired and not a drop of sweat on my brow.
Yet, the other hand is heavy with the longing to be something. Like I've always desired. I want to follow my dreams (even though they may have changed a little) and make something of myself in my career.
So, I am at a crossroads of sorts. One path is bright, but with shadows of doubt, frustration and mourning for something that could have been or almost was. The other path is... well, sparkly... but unreachable.
I can't go to work full time. Not right now. I do too much for Avie throughout the day to trust that to someone else. Not this level of care- MY level of care. I make sure she is getting enough fat, fluids, concentrate on the enzyme quantities so I can one day be damn sure if she is getting too many or not enough. I check her stool and overall happiness for signs that something isn't right.... and call me crazy but I monitor her activity to be sure that she doesn't burn too many calories. Once that weight is lost, it's hard to put back on.
I'm not even sure I can go to work part time. At least not until I find the right nanny who I am confident can do all of the above in the way I would do it, for at least a couple days a week.
In the meantime, I will just continue to do my best at this stay-at-home thing... even though I think it is slowly eating away at my relationship with my husband. I think counseling is needed. He actually said last night that he doesn't think he should be washing dishes or "going halfsies" on the responsibilities just because he is home. He thinks that because I am a homemaker, I need to do all the home-related chores....
Even if that means I am in the kitchen until midnight.
He didn't really say that last part- I'm just extrapolating.
Anyway... I would love to get a nursery decor business up off the ground... but that would take time. Time that I don't have right now because I am busy being a Mom
...and Mrs. Cleaver
The job sounds awesome! In my former life, I would have been jumping for joy and praying they hired me. But, in this life it is leaving me a little more confused as to where I am and what I want. It's full time... and would include travel for a minimum of one week at a time.
This would be a big deal even with a HEALTHY baby.
Which Avie isn't.
I mean, she isn't unhealthy at the moment, she just has a life-shortening disease that requires constant monitoring and tweaking. It's a full time job in itself... and one that has been eating at the "plucky design side" of me.
In one hand, I look forward to the challenge this new life brings to me. I'm all geared up to continue to be the best stay-at-home mommy ever. My daily goal is to make this house and this family something out of the 1950's. The Mr. coming home to a perfectly clean house with dinner made and on the table. Bills paid, handy-man hired and not a drop of sweat on my brow.
Yet, the other hand is heavy with the longing to be something. Like I've always desired. I want to follow my dreams (even though they may have changed a little) and make something of myself in my career.
So, I am at a crossroads of sorts. One path is bright, but with shadows of doubt, frustration and mourning for something that could have been or almost was. The other path is... well, sparkly... but unreachable.
I can't go to work full time. Not right now. I do too much for Avie throughout the day to trust that to someone else. Not this level of care- MY level of care. I make sure she is getting enough fat, fluids, concentrate on the enzyme quantities so I can one day be damn sure if she is getting too many or not enough. I check her stool and overall happiness for signs that something isn't right.... and call me crazy but I monitor her activity to be sure that she doesn't burn too many calories. Once that weight is lost, it's hard to put back on.
I'm not even sure I can go to work part time. At least not until I find the right nanny who I am confident can do all of the above in the way I would do it, for at least a couple days a week.
In the meantime, I will just continue to do my best at this stay-at-home thing... even though I think it is slowly eating away at my relationship with my husband. I think counseling is needed. He actually said last night that he doesn't think he should be washing dishes or "going halfsies" on the responsibilities just because he is home. He thinks that because I am a homemaker, I need to do all the home-related chores....
Even if that means I am in the kitchen until midnight.
He didn't really say that last part- I'm just extrapolating.
Anyway... I would love to get a nursery decor business up off the ground... but that would take time. Time that I don't have right now because I am busy being a Mom
...and Mrs. Cleaver
Friday, May 20, 2016
I want to stab myself in the throat
...And no, that's not a euphemism. I want to feel what Avie felt as I jammed my finger down her throat to get the avocado out.
The first time she choked was on banana. And I know what happened- she took a huge bite and couldn't handle it. This time, I have no idea. Maybe it was the same thing? All I know is that she was eating avocado and then was suddenly choking.
I waited a second or two before reacting, thinking that she was maybe just gagging. But she wasn't. She couldn't breathe and couldn't clear it.
I got it out, but we sat on the floor and cried. I thanked God for helping me, and then I apologized to Him for needing to step in and save me... and for whatever I did to cause this. Too big of a piece on her tray? Not paying attention well enough? Whatever it was, I'm sorry.
She recovered though, babies do that. They don't remember things like that. I'm just so upset about it. The kitchen looked like a crime scene.... not because of the blood. There was only a little bit of that (I had clearly scratched the back of her throat).
No, it was because I could trace all of my steps. The bottle and bits of food on the floor wherever they landed, as I frantically raced to free my daughter from her high chair, turned electric chair. The clean spot on the floor where we held each other afterwards. Her bib, crumpled and thrown to the side because I couldn't stand the sight of the bloody bile she coughed up while crying so hard.
Why am I making this sound so dramatic, you ask? Well, aside from the obvious fact that my child stopped breathing.... I screwed the pooch today. You want a less "PC" way of saying that? I feel like I fucked up.
I am so tired of everyone telling me that I am being too hard on myself, by the way. So don't say that.
I had been feeding her every 4 hours for the last few months. Now, I'm told that I should be feeding her every 3 hours or so. Basically, she needs to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks. Well, what the fuck do I know? This is my first baby. Oh, and by the way, she has CF and has to take enzymes and I still am not exactly sure how NOT to fuck up the enzymes.
I should have fed her a full damn meal at 11. Or 10:30, or what-the-fuck-ever! Then put her down at 1-1:30. Hoped like hell she slept until 2:30 or 3, then gave her a 'snack' at 3. Even though I don't know what the hell a snack looks like for a 10 month old baby with CF and enzymes.
I mean, do I give her formula then? Well, not necessarily according to my pediatrician. Okay, fine, a small amount of food then. Well, how many enzymes does she get for that??
It doesn't matter.
I will fucking figure it out, but I am going to beat myself up about it until I do. And I am going to stress and I am going to ask a lot of damn questions. When I get it, I will be a pain in the ass, huge control freak, about it for a few weeks. I will not stray from the clock, I will worry and lose sleep... but then I will eventually ease up.
This is just how I have been functioning for the last 7 months, since I've gotten her home. Yes, it's hard on me. Yes, I'm probably shaving years off my potential life-span because of it, but... What. Else. Should. I. Do?!
"Well, you just need to relax. Go easy on yourself. And let someone help you, so you can take time for yourself". my response: "Go fuck yourself". You know what I need? I need to know that I've got this figured out on my own! I need consistency and I need a DAMN SCHEDULE!!!
I need it for the weekends, I need it for the week days, I need it for her naps and her eating and for my showers. Everything. I want someone to tell me what a typical day for a 10 month CF baby with enzymes should look like! Why is that so damn hard?! Just show me, and I will make it work for Avie.
I am so damn frustrated. I am tired and I am wearing down.
I can't go back to work because I can't leave this for someone else to figure out. I can't do that. That's not an option. It's hard enough for me- why would it be easier on a nanny? Well, maybe it would be- but then I would be a giant POS for not doing it myself, for my daughter.
You know what I need? I need to get out of my pajamas right now. I need to fold some laundry and I need to take a deep, fucking breath.
The CF clinic told me she was fat. She exceeded their expectations for weight gain, and in fact, want to slow it down a little bit.... you know what this tells me? It tells me that my crazy is working. That watching the clock and worrying about calories burned VS calories taken in, is helping her. I've done a good job. But this is a child, I can't take that as a "good job, Mom! Now go take a rest" No, this is more like, "Good job, Mom! Keep up the good work"
(Interlude)
Just got off the phone with the dietitian at the CF clinic. She made me cry.... she knows. She can tell by the sound of my voice what I'm going through. She talked me off that ledge that I've been standing on for the last year.
She said that she didn't want to minimize my anxiety. She knows how hard this is for me and how stressful it can be. She gave me tips for the enzymes. Help on the schedule and the few things that I've been looking for to help me win this food battle. It seems silly for food to be such a difficult thing to figure out... such a stress-inducing nightmare.
But she knows.... It just IS for CF mommies.
The first time she choked was on banana. And I know what happened- she took a huge bite and couldn't handle it. This time, I have no idea. Maybe it was the same thing? All I know is that she was eating avocado and then was suddenly choking.
I waited a second or two before reacting, thinking that she was maybe just gagging. But she wasn't. She couldn't breathe and couldn't clear it.
I got it out, but we sat on the floor and cried. I thanked God for helping me, and then I apologized to Him for needing to step in and save me... and for whatever I did to cause this. Too big of a piece on her tray? Not paying attention well enough? Whatever it was, I'm sorry.
She recovered though, babies do that. They don't remember things like that. I'm just so upset about it. The kitchen looked like a crime scene.... not because of the blood. There was only a little bit of that (I had clearly scratched the back of her throat).
No, it was because I could trace all of my steps. The bottle and bits of food on the floor wherever they landed, as I frantically raced to free my daughter from her high chair, turned electric chair. The clean spot on the floor where we held each other afterwards. Her bib, crumpled and thrown to the side because I couldn't stand the sight of the bloody bile she coughed up while crying so hard.
Why am I making this sound so dramatic, you ask? Well, aside from the obvious fact that my child stopped breathing.... I screwed the pooch today. You want a less "PC" way of saying that? I feel like I fucked up.
I am so tired of everyone telling me that I am being too hard on myself, by the way. So don't say that.
I had been feeding her every 4 hours for the last few months. Now, I'm told that I should be feeding her every 3 hours or so. Basically, she needs to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks. Well, what the fuck do I know? This is my first baby. Oh, and by the way, she has CF and has to take enzymes and I still am not exactly sure how NOT to fuck up the enzymes.
I should have fed her a full damn meal at 11. Or 10:30, or what-the-fuck-ever! Then put her down at 1-1:30. Hoped like hell she slept until 2:30 or 3, then gave her a 'snack' at 3. Even though I don't know what the hell a snack looks like for a 10 month old baby with CF and enzymes.
I mean, do I give her formula then? Well, not necessarily according to my pediatrician. Okay, fine, a small amount of food then. Well, how many enzymes does she get for that??
It doesn't matter.
I will fucking figure it out, but I am going to beat myself up about it until I do. And I am going to stress and I am going to ask a lot of damn questions. When I get it, I will be a pain in the ass, huge control freak, about it for a few weeks. I will not stray from the clock, I will worry and lose sleep... but then I will eventually ease up.
This is just how I have been functioning for the last 7 months, since I've gotten her home. Yes, it's hard on me. Yes, I'm probably shaving years off my potential life-span because of it, but... What. Else. Should. I. Do?!
"Well, you just need to relax. Go easy on yourself. And let someone help you, so you can take time for yourself". my response: "Go fuck yourself". You know what I need? I need to know that I've got this figured out on my own! I need consistency and I need a DAMN SCHEDULE!!!
I need it for the weekends, I need it for the week days, I need it for her naps and her eating and for my showers. Everything. I want someone to tell me what a typical day for a 10 month CF baby with enzymes should look like! Why is that so damn hard?! Just show me, and I will make it work for Avie.
I am so damn frustrated. I am tired and I am wearing down.
I can't go back to work because I can't leave this for someone else to figure out. I can't do that. That's not an option. It's hard enough for me- why would it be easier on a nanny? Well, maybe it would be- but then I would be a giant POS for not doing it myself, for my daughter.
You know what I need? I need to get out of my pajamas right now. I need to fold some laundry and I need to take a deep, fucking breath.
The CF clinic told me she was fat. She exceeded their expectations for weight gain, and in fact, want to slow it down a little bit.... you know what this tells me? It tells me that my crazy is working. That watching the clock and worrying about calories burned VS calories taken in, is helping her. I've done a good job. But this is a child, I can't take that as a "good job, Mom! Now go take a rest" No, this is more like, "Good job, Mom! Keep up the good work"
(Interlude)
Just got off the phone with the dietitian at the CF clinic. She made me cry.... she knows. She can tell by the sound of my voice what I'm going through. She talked me off that ledge that I've been standing on for the last year.
She said that she didn't want to minimize my anxiety. She knows how hard this is for me and how stressful it can be. She gave me tips for the enzymes. Help on the schedule and the few things that I've been looking for to help me win this food battle. It seems silly for food to be such a difficult thing to figure out... such a stress-inducing nightmare.
But she knows.... It just IS for CF mommies.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Man, it's hard for Mommies to post stuff
She's home. She didn't come home the week I predicted in my last post... there was weight to be gained and they went up very (excruciatingly) slow on the feeds. Everyone was nervous about going too fast on anything.
She got discharged on September 2nd. Exactly two months from the date of her first surgery. We were ecstatic! We put her in the car, she looked so small in that car seat. She fell right asleep on the drive home... funny, I always drove home from the hospital thinking about what it would be like to take her home for the first time and I honestly can't remember that drive now. We got home and introduced her to her fuzzy cat-brother, Tucker. Walked her around the house, unpacked all her stuff....
and then what?
We were home with a baby and didn't know what to do with her! We eventually figured it out, but has taken me about 6 weeks to get a routine down with her. I didn't know anything about babies, here I was with a 2 month old coming home for the first time and feeling like a brand-new mommy.
There were lots of fights. Me and Avie, Avie and Daddy, Daddy and I (a lot). I didn't want help because I was determined to "do this on my own". But what I didn't realize was that it felt like having a newborn at home for the first time... but this was harder because she didn't sleep all day. I was shuttling her back and forth to the doctors for check up appointments and learning the hard way that babies her age need sleep schedules, and tummy time.
So, I now have regular help (my Mom) and Avie's got her nap schedule. The sanity has returned to the house-hold! Well, for the most-part.
Now I get to worry about all the stuff that other Mommies worry about (aside from the additional CF crap, that is). Like breastfeeding, gas, sleeping through the night, outgrowing clothes but not quite fitting into the next size up and teething??
And I gotta be honest, being a Mom is the hardest job I've ever had!
She got discharged on September 2nd. Exactly two months from the date of her first surgery. We were ecstatic! We put her in the car, she looked so small in that car seat. She fell right asleep on the drive home... funny, I always drove home from the hospital thinking about what it would be like to take her home for the first time and I honestly can't remember that drive now. We got home and introduced her to her fuzzy cat-brother, Tucker. Walked her around the house, unpacked all her stuff....
and then what?
We were home with a baby and didn't know what to do with her! We eventually figured it out, but has taken me about 6 weeks to get a routine down with her. I didn't know anything about babies, here I was with a 2 month old coming home for the first time and feeling like a brand-new mommy.
There were lots of fights. Me and Avie, Avie and Daddy, Daddy and I (a lot). I didn't want help because I was determined to "do this on my own". But what I didn't realize was that it felt like having a newborn at home for the first time... but this was harder because she didn't sleep all day. I was shuttling her back and forth to the doctors for check up appointments and learning the hard way that babies her age need sleep schedules, and tummy time.
So, I now have regular help (my Mom) and Avie's got her nap schedule. The sanity has returned to the house-hold! Well, for the most-part.
Now I get to worry about all the stuff that other Mommies worry about (aside from the additional CF crap, that is). Like breastfeeding, gas, sleeping through the night, outgrowing clothes but not quite fitting into the next size up and teething??
And I gotta be honest, being a Mom is the hardest job I've ever had!
Thursday, August 13, 2015
The final countdown...?
Avie's replogle tube came out yesterday. So, that means the plan is to start feeing her today... assuming her little body was able to handle the bile, spit and air that naturally accumulates in the tummy and is usually sent "down stream" if you will.
This is on account of her getting rid of the contrast, finally. The rectal irrigations proved helpful- though I don't know if she NEEDS them in order to poop. I've seen her do it on her own, and I've heard her tooting also. But the plan will be to continue the irrigating while we are working her up to full feeds and then slowly back off, once she is getting enzymes again... the enzymes should take over for the irrigations on the 'breakdown and expel' front.
Today, we start with clear liquids to see how she does. This won't come out as stool, but the thing we are watching for is her tummy distension. If she eats the clear stuff, keeps it down and her stomach doesn't swell- then we know it's passed into the bowels as it should. The next step will be some combination of breast milk and formula given in small doses at first, then gradually increasing until she is at 'full feed' and pooping on her own.
Then she can come home.
Mr. Pluck and I are trying not to get our hopes up, while staying positive at the same time. It's a tough thing to do. We are a little nervous about increasing her feeds too soon because of what happened last time, but we are both anxious to get her home. I don't want to put a date on her discharge because that would be getting my hopes up- but the logical side of me (albeit a small part that doesn't usually speak up) is just counting the possible number of days...
Clear today, the real stuff tomorrow. Increasing by 5ml every 6 hours... we would get to 80ml in about 4-5 days depending on what time of day they start... and if they hold the amount anywhere in the middle for any reason. That would put us at about middle of the week, next week.
... but again, I'm not getting my hopes up. But I do need to make sure we are ready for her: wash the new baby clothes, pack her coming home outfit/bag, install and check the car seat, dust and vacuum the nursery...
I should probably get started.
This is on account of her getting rid of the contrast, finally. The rectal irrigations proved helpful- though I don't know if she NEEDS them in order to poop. I've seen her do it on her own, and I've heard her tooting also. But the plan will be to continue the irrigating while we are working her up to full feeds and then slowly back off, once she is getting enzymes again... the enzymes should take over for the irrigations on the 'breakdown and expel' front.
Today, we start with clear liquids to see how she does. This won't come out as stool, but the thing we are watching for is her tummy distension. If she eats the clear stuff, keeps it down and her stomach doesn't swell- then we know it's passed into the bowels as it should. The next step will be some combination of breast milk and formula given in small doses at first, then gradually increasing until she is at 'full feed' and pooping on her own.
Then she can come home.
Mr. Pluck and I are trying not to get our hopes up, while staying positive at the same time. It's a tough thing to do. We are a little nervous about increasing her feeds too soon because of what happened last time, but we are both anxious to get her home. I don't want to put a date on her discharge because that would be getting my hopes up- but the logical side of me (albeit a small part that doesn't usually speak up) is just counting the possible number of days...
Clear today, the real stuff tomorrow. Increasing by 5ml every 6 hours... we would get to 80ml in about 4-5 days depending on what time of day they start... and if they hold the amount anywhere in the middle for any reason. That would put us at about middle of the week, next week.
... but again, I'm not getting my hopes up. But I do need to make sure we are ready for her: wash the new baby clothes, pack her coming home outfit/bag, install and check the car seat, dust and vacuum the nursery...
I should probably get started.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Even strong Moms have weak moments
Okay, so my last post was a little depressing. I think I'm allowed some days like that, this isn't an easy process. Let me just say that I realized it and turned my attitude around the very next day. I made sure Avie heard the positivity in my voice and that I kept my thoughts positive.
The next night, Avie had two green stool smears in her diaper! The surgeon was thrilled and scheduled a contrast study. We've done these before she was reanastomosed (put back together) by injecting the contrast into the stoma that we were flushing. But, since she no longer has stomas, the contrast was put into her tummy via a tube in her nose. Like the replogle, but not on suction obviously.
Then we watched it make its way through her intestines by taking x-rays every few hours. I'm please to say that it's still progressing through her system. So far, everyone is happy that it's moving and there are no concerns at this point about the speed at which it is traveling through.
I had a good feeling about this study when we started it. I told my husband that I knew something good was coming out of this and that we were going to get good news from this study.
She hasn't pooped the contrast out yet, but I have heard her fart... which means that the contrast is pushing out some of the gas that made her belly swell up.
So things on the medical front are improving!
On the "I have a baby" side of things, Avie smiled for the first time! The day after our 'birthdays' she smiled. It happened as I was changing her diaper for the first time (I had helped the nurses before, but they had to fold the diaper in a certain way at the top to avoid hitting the ileostomy- so I never completed the full process). My husband was talking to her and taking pictures when she looked right at him and grinned. We were both frozen with joy... and I was almost weak in the knees!
What's next?? Walking?!
The next night, Avie had two green stool smears in her diaper! The surgeon was thrilled and scheduled a contrast study. We've done these before she was reanastomosed (put back together) by injecting the contrast into the stoma that we were flushing. But, since she no longer has stomas, the contrast was put into her tummy via a tube in her nose. Like the replogle, but not on suction obviously.
Then we watched it make its way through her intestines by taking x-rays every few hours. I'm please to say that it's still progressing through her system. So far, everyone is happy that it's moving and there are no concerns at this point about the speed at which it is traveling through.
I had a good feeling about this study when we started it. I told my husband that I knew something good was coming out of this and that we were going to get good news from this study.
She hasn't pooped the contrast out yet, but I have heard her fart... which means that the contrast is pushing out some of the gas that made her belly swell up.
So things on the medical front are improving!
On the "I have a baby" side of things, Avie smiled for the first time! The day after our 'birthdays' she smiled. It happened as I was changing her diaper for the first time (I had helped the nurses before, but they had to fold the diaper in a certain way at the top to avoid hitting the ileostomy- so I never completed the full process). My husband was talking to her and taking pictures when she looked right at him and grinned. We were both frozen with joy... and I was almost weak in the knees!
What's next?? Walking?!
Friday, July 31, 2015
30
Yesterday was my 30th birthday. It was also Avie's 30 day old birthday.
Yup, my little breath of life is a month old already. She is still in the NICU, with no projected date of when she will come home. We had to stop feeding her and put the suction tube back in her nose (replogle tube).
Her tummy got distended because we were feeding her, but nothing was coming out her bottom. The surgeons think we might have started feeding her too soon. Even though she showed all the signs of being ready to eat, they think the suture site in her intestines is too swollen to let the waste pass through.
The milk was digested in the stomach and then passed to the intestines- but just got stuck in there at a point. I hate the thought that we shoved the bottle in her mouth every 3 hours and she ate it because she didn't know any better. My beautiful, helpless child.
I have nothing witty or creative to say. I'm numb... I don't know if this is because she is a month old already, because I'm 30, because she isn't home yet... we are at a standstill or because it seems we attempted to make foie gras with my baby.
Once again, we are waiting for poop. "Wait and see" has to be my least favorite phrase in the world now. What's happening while we are waiting? What is my baby feeling? What is she thinking? How long do we wait... and THEN what??
I want her home so badly that I'm choking on it. The thought is a lump in my throat and a pain in my chest. My whole body aches to hold her at home, to dress her, to change her, bathe her, nap with her. This must be that fierce love that I've heard mothers talk about.
I want nothing more than for her to be functioning and healthy. Literally, nothing. I spent my 30th birthday watching her sleep, talking to doctors, staring into space while my Mom sat by quietly and crying in my husband's arms... so this is my 'golden year', huh?
Let's hope it turns around really damn quick.
Shit, maybe it's my attitude that needs to turn around.
This isn't about me, I know... I'm a wobbly puddle of nerve-less mush... she is a bright-eyed bundle of wiggly tininess. She needs positive vibes and I'm not providing her with much of that. I'm yearning, worried and depressed. Maybe I should stay away for a day so I don't pollute her little room with my fog? But not seeing her for a day would literally kill me.
The headlines would read, 'New mother dies at 30 of a broken heart, missed her baby's homecoming'.
Yup, my little breath of life is a month old already. She is still in the NICU, with no projected date of when she will come home. We had to stop feeding her and put the suction tube back in her nose (replogle tube).
Her tummy got distended because we were feeding her, but nothing was coming out her bottom. The surgeons think we might have started feeding her too soon. Even though she showed all the signs of being ready to eat, they think the suture site in her intestines is too swollen to let the waste pass through.
The milk was digested in the stomach and then passed to the intestines- but just got stuck in there at a point. I hate the thought that we shoved the bottle in her mouth every 3 hours and she ate it because she didn't know any better. My beautiful, helpless child.
I have nothing witty or creative to say. I'm numb... I don't know if this is because she is a month old already, because I'm 30, because she isn't home yet... we are at a standstill or because it seems we attempted to make foie gras with my baby.
Once again, we are waiting for poop. "Wait and see" has to be my least favorite phrase in the world now. What's happening while we are waiting? What is my baby feeling? What is she thinking? How long do we wait... and THEN what??
I want her home so badly that I'm choking on it. The thought is a lump in my throat and a pain in my chest. My whole body aches to hold her at home, to dress her, to change her, bathe her, nap with her. This must be that fierce love that I've heard mothers talk about.
I want nothing more than for her to be functioning and healthy. Literally, nothing. I spent my 30th birthday watching her sleep, talking to doctors, staring into space while my Mom sat by quietly and crying in my husband's arms... so this is my 'golden year', huh?
Let's hope it turns around really damn quick.
Shit, maybe it's my attitude that needs to turn around.
This isn't about me, I know... I'm a wobbly puddle of nerve-less mush... she is a bright-eyed bundle of wiggly tininess. She needs positive vibes and I'm not providing her with much of that. I'm yearning, worried and depressed. Maybe I should stay away for a day so I don't pollute her little room with my fog? But not seeing her for a day would literally kill me.
The headlines would read, 'New mother dies at 30 of a broken heart, missed her baby's homecoming'.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)